9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
