I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
