I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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