his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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