Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
