Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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