Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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