I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
