oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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