I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
