2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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