I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
