when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
