great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
