Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
