I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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