Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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