His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
