Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
