I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I could fuck to npr.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize