So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
