oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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