You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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