if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
