3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
