tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
