I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
