I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
