Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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