1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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