I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
