Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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