I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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