I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
