I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
