Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize