John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
two words...techno handjob
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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