I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
