does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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