Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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