Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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