My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
