I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
