I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
