If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
