I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just want to make out with him forever
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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