then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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