you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
