I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
