Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
