also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
