soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
