Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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