Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
