people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
