I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
