Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
