how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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