I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
