That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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