did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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