This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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